I was recently in a random flea market mall, hands behind my back, holding them together the way my grandmother use to do, casually looking over all of the items in the booths. As I looked up, I stumbled upon a black and white photo. Immediately it caught my attention. It was a small child sitting with an elephant and each had their own bench to sit on, but they were close together, and the child had their hand on the elephants back. The child wasn’t able to reach all the way around the elephant, naturally, but their hand was there, like a bond, a level of comfort, and an understanding of being there for each other.
A couple of days later, I did some research on that photo. It happens to be a very infamous photo by Mike Hollist, a British photographer. He titled the photo, My Pal. I have added the link so you can read a bit more on the history of this beautiful photo.
https://www.artsindustry.co.uk/feature/3317-the-art-of-photojournalism-image-of-the-month-46
The photo resonated with me, and I began to think about what is our ‘elephant’ that we hold onto. What are providing comfort to in our own lives? For me, my elephant is my trauma, mental health and my daily battle with chronic illness.
In January of 2025, I married my best friend, Derek. The week of our wedding, I was sick and not feeling well. I had been working hard at work, planning out every detail of our wedding, and managing my symptoms as best I could. I leaned heavily on my children and their partners, and close friends to get me through the week. My husband was a full on ‘yes man’ no matter the demand of the moment. He wanted that day to be perfect for us as well, but he knew I wasn’t feeling the best.
The wedding was done, the night ended and I was beginning to shuffle my feet around, feeling extremely exhausted. Just three months prior to our wedding, I was hospitalized for anemia and iron deficiency. My ferritin was at a three and my hemoglobin was at seven. I received an iron infusion and a blood transfusion – first time for both. I was scared, worried and unsure of many things at this time but I knew I had to get better.
Two days after our wedding, my husband took me to the hospital. We weren’t doing a honeymoon right away; we just wanted to unwind for a few days and enjoy being husband and wife but that did not work out how we planned. I was admitted for a five-day hospital stay. I had diverticulitis and I am no stranger to this diagnosis, but I was sad it was happening at what was suppose to be an enjoyable time.
During my hospital stay, my husband called out of work, and he was terminated after calling off for the third day. It was heartbreaking and he was upset but we said right then and there that we were not going to be defeated, that we will get through it. One day, I will write about that experience, what we faced because of it and how we persevered through it.
Soon, I was back on my feet and back at work. My husband was helping his mother who has health issues and we were trying to put life together.
In May of 2025, I sought out a therapist. My mind was heavy, my heart was heavy and life was really taking its toll on me. I was trying to maneuver through health challenges, traumas, financial strains, living in a new state, missing my children and parents, and being in a new marriage. Life was full of stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff, messy stuff – just a lot of stuff.
I took a leave of absence from work and while it was supposed to be a short leave, it turned into a longer leave of absence. I felt even more worried, more exhausted and more worn down than I had ever felt before. My husband, who had his own, personal traumas to work through, never let me down. Sure, it put a strain on our marriage and that in itself made me angry because it wasn’t fair. We wanted a fair shot at being a new husband and wife, tackling life together but that wasn’t the cards we were dealt. Derek was there by my side, ready at the helm, to take on whatever it was he needed to do for me and for us. Being the independent, type A personality that I am, I pushed him away and tried to tackle life myself.
As I began to face some challenges in therapy, my depression was getting worse. I was seeing multiple providers and waiting for answers. My iron levels were consistently dropping, my ability to walk more than 20 yards was exhausting and I was so tired all of the time. My hair was breaking off, the weight gain was more than I have ever had, and the frustration levels were mounting.
After months of searching for answers, I decided to reach out to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. They accepted me as a patient and so my real journey had begun.
On 31 December 2025, everything that I thought I knew began to change. After a very lengthy first appointment with the internal medicine doctor who was heading up my care plan and visits, I felt some relief. I felt seen, heard and attended to. I had not felt that way before. After three weeks, we made our way back to Michigan with answers and an action plan.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, anemia, iron deficiency, hiatal hernia, diverticulitis, central sensitization and chronic fatigue. It was a lot but at least I knew there was hope in the midst of it all. I felt somewhat like a weight had been lifted off of me, yet I still felt heavy. Maybe it was because I was grieving a life I knew before.
Since my visit to the Mayo Clinic, my life has had a lot of changes. Funny how a diagnosis can do that. Some days are a great challenge for me and some days I feel like I have more energy than I had in days. No day is the same and I go to bed praying for the next day to be better. I am taking a lot of steps to navigate through this new season of my life – and that is how I choose to look at this; a season.
Just like a circus, there are a lot of moving parts to make the show happen. A lot of training, conditioning, preparing for any possible hazards, making sure that every piece of equipment has been inspected before use, maintaining their mental and physical health, and making sure the animals are all safe. It seems to me that the word safe is a huge part of preparing for a circus, even though it is for entertainment.
Just like the photo, ‘My Pal’, I look at that and wonder what mental training did that child go through in order to perform at the circus with Dum Dum, the elephant. Then I think of the emotional bond that the two seem to have. I think the photo speaks for itself.
When I look at my diagnosis’s, and all that has come with it, I find myself just like the young boy and his pal. My mental health, my emotional wellbeing, my physical strengths and safety – they all play such a critical role in my everyday life now. My pal, my elephant, has become my diagnosis’s and I have to learn to nurture it and bond with it in ways that I never dreamed of.
Imagine a chronic illness is like an elephant, and you are asked to live and perform alongside of it.
At first, it seems intimidating, and even a bit impressive, but then you have to find ways to manage it. You’re told you can learn to guide it, work with it, maybe even make it part of your act. But as time goes on, you realize something important: the elephant never leaves. It eats constantly, demands attention, and takes up space no matter what you had planned for the day.
Some days, the elephant is calm. It follows you around quietly, and you almost forget how heavy its presence is. You can perform, laugh, and move with some freedom. Other days, it’s unpredictable, loud, stubborn, or simply too heavy to budge. On those days, everything revolves around it. Your act changes, your energy drains, and the audience doesn’t always understand why the show looks different.
You didn’t choose the elephant, and you don’t get to send it away. Instead, you learn its rhythms, what calms it, what agitates it, when to rest, and when to try to move. Over time, you become skilled, not at controlling the elephant, but at living with it. Adjusting. Adapting. Surviving alongside something much bigger than you.
And from the outside, people might just see “the circus lady performing.” They don’t always see the constant negotiation happening behind the scenes and the effort it takes just to share the stage.
So I ask you, what is your elephant?
Peace, Love & Happiness
Christian ♥
The Sun Will Set To Rise 